Peter I don’t mean this at all as a personal thing, but I can’t control how you’re going to take it; maybe just pretend we’ve never met, as much as i woul;dn't like that, either. I just need to emphasize that this isn’t at all personal like I can’t help but feel you might take it.

First of all, I don’t check my da messages, and I have well over 1500. It was over 3000 in 08, but that hahha pissed me off. In apt 3 I started checking them and chipping away, but I don’t have time right now to finish. There’s a shittonne of old stuff that’s all going to be new to me by the time I see it.
Anyway, I moved out of Fredericton because I have no fucking interest in bullshit, and all Fredericton is to me (an attempt at objectivity) is a stage for characters to display their stage presences. I have no fucken interest. I lived the last year i thought of Fredericton as home with fucking alex bumble and ryan; I have heard more bullshit than I ever needed and I know all about not talking, about presence outweighing substance. More than I ever asked to understand

It’s not that I dislike you AT ALL, but how the fuck do i respond to bullshit? I feel like it’s awkward for both of us to listen to you say words we both know you don’t mean. “Dan’s the best”? I appreciate your keeping in touch but I think we both know that’s not true and that it is the last thing I ever set out to be. I set out to make friends I can appreciate as people, and not as numbers on my facebook page, and I feel like that is the only reason anyone talks to anyone anymore; so they can lose sight of context and claim an acquaintance as a ‘friend’ on fakebook. I’m not really depressed but it’s going to sound that way when I say I would fucking love to kill myself, just to get out. LOVE to. Everything is bullshit and all I can say in looking back on Fredericton is that it was good for what it was; a learning experience. Nothing more. I’m over it and consider myself to have learned as much as it had to teach.

I’m at an interesting point in my life right now. I made a new facebook to try to distance myself from all the clowns I used to think i cared for, but I doubt ever cared for me. that was entirely naïve on my part, because I can’t run from everything I dislike. Life just doesn’t work like that.

If I didn’t like you, if I were running, I would have ignored your comment outright when I saw it, but I replied when I did see it and there’s some proof of my naivety right there I guess. I figured you wouldn’t like that it had been there a couple days (I don’t know how long) before I saw it, but I did reply first chance I had to, out of either my naivety all together or respect for you. how will you take it? Initially i wanted to say “well we both know that’s not true” but I figured I’d at least try to talk, because you’re not a face I’m trying to forget like the rest of the fools back thurr… if you’re not interested, well… I don’t know why you’d ‘start’ dialogue in the first place, but I’m not straining myself trying to figure it out. I guess that’s essentially the division between me and Fredericton; I feel like any other of those assholes would spend all kinds of time creating scenarios in their heads to explain, making things up rather than asking. I’m not offended by anyone trying to understand anything, but people act with such tact they render themselves incompetent.
That was totally what infuriated me in Fredericton. No one fucking talks about anything, they make up the shit they want to believe and forget about everything else, anyone who won’t agree with the shit they make up.

Frdericton is a black hole in my mind and I’m not interested in anyone who can’t carry an actual conversation. Nothing directed at you, but my stepping away from Fredericton was my stepping away from all these fucking animated corpses. You don’t understand when you live in lies like that 'city' begs you to, and I got out of Fredericton in an attempt at understanding myself and the world. something that wouldn't have happened entirely in that coffin. Two equally elaborate entities, this world and myself.

Peter I do like you but fuck Fredericton and everything about it, it’s a horrible place. What I am only beginning to understand is that sometimes starting over is cleaner than revision, and that’s why I made the second fakebook. Too bad hahaha it went to shit as quickly as I started it

My devian tart is my little shitfest, the only page I routinely visit on the entire lie they call the web. I used to get hung up in mechanics but I want to think that I’ve grown out of that, so if you’re ever curious what I mean, please, feel free to ask, but I’m not going to get into it and bore you with the mechanics of the whole “lie that is the internet” if I don’t even think you care…. I would love to talk any time, about anything you want, but I think next time I come across as blatant a lie on da, and agian no offense peter, I’m just going to keep scrolling. It’s not that I’m disinterested in you peter, it’s that I am disinterested in illusions. All I want is accuracy. I don’t know if I alienated you the way I did dane, but dane eventually has seemed to grow into understanding something like where I’m coming from (I’m not going to tell you he does understand because I don’t KNOW that, I only want to believe it) and I have been so thankful for that. We aren’t the friends we were before all this accident shit went down but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right? All Fredericton does to me is break my heart, and saying that has nothing to do with relationships, the way it might sound. all I’m saying is that I’m not smart the way I am composed these days, and when something looks as scattered as I have the last few times we’ve seen each other, im either reaching out my hand to help the person up into a more precise understanding(like i wish someone could have to me), or I’m going to walk the fuck away. I’m not interested in grudges or naivety because I know each gets you nowhere. It only takes away from the sucker hung up in the hating, and I know that Fredericton is something of a capital, in the nation I’d call ‘nowhere.’

I’m definietely over it even though I still love some people back there





Anyway, take care peter <3<3<3<3<3 I hope all has well

--
Good things die all of the time
god bless your heart, vengeance is mine
"kiss me like you mean goodbye"
said the spider to the fly
all those times you thought that you were wrong,
you were right